


Let Me Help You

by Kyuhaii



Category: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou - Fandom, haikyuu, kuroken - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Depression, Haikyuu - Freeform, Kenma, Kolumne Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozumekenma, KuroKen - Freeform, M/M, Nekoma, Volleyball, Yaoi, kuro - Freeform, kurootetsurou, selfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-08-14 01:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7993417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyuhaii/pseuds/Kyuhaii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Very few people actually mattered to Kenma.</p><p>  You could call him cold-hearted, but there were some people he would gladly give up for the sake of others. That was just how humans work. If given a choice between someone important to you and someone important to another, you would always choose the former. </p><p>  That was why Kenma kept to himself. Why burden others with his problems if he wasn't important, while others clearly were? Others like Kuroo, whose importance could never be measured. </p><p>  Kenma was just human. He cared about the ones important to him, so he neglected himself, who he hated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Very few people actually mattered to Kenma.

You could call him cold-hearted, but there were some people he would gladly give up for the sake of others. That was just how humans work. If given a choice between someone important to you and someone important to another, you would always choose the former. 

That was why Kenma kept to himself. Why burden others with his problems if he wasn't important, while others clearly were? Others like Kuroo, whose importance could never be measured. 

Kenma was just human. He cared about the ones important to him, so he neglected himself, who he hated. 

-

Kenma wasn't depressed. Well, at least he wasn't at first. 

Now though, Kenma would guess that he was, if the scars running down his thighs and stomach were any implication. 

He would be lying if he said he didn't know why he started; because he knew. As said before, it wasn't because he was depressed. It was because he wanted to feel. 

Kenma had times in his life that scared him. Those were the times when he felt detached from the world- as if he were watching someone else live his life. Decisions made were effortless and and everything just seemed even more monochrome than usual. 

He hated those times. They lasted for as long as they wanted: seconds, minutes, months. But they were all the same. A void in his life where he felt nothing. No happiness, sadness, and not even annoyance. 

Living like that was a chore. Living was tiring, painful even. All Kenma wanted was to feel. 

He found that in the form of a blade running across his skin and tears flowing down his cheeks. 

Why then, you may ask, does Kenma hurt himself so frequently if he only wanted to feel during those moments? Why didn't he just do it whenever he was having one of those times and instead did it even when he wasn't in it? The answer is simple, honestly. 

Along the way, Kenma grew depressed. 

He despised himself. He hated the cuts that scarred his skin but ironically, he couldn't stop. He hated the way he was so weak, but his character stopped him from stepping up and telling the people around him about the storm that raged inside him. He hated so many things about himself and slowly... painfully... his heart broke down. 

Even then, he never once voiced out his problems. Not even to Kuroo, who was his lifeline. 

-

"You want to sit out today?" Kuroo repeated, an eyebrow raised as he looked down towards his best friend. The smaller boy tried to ignore it as he nodded his head, eyes focused on the game in front of him. 

"Yeah. I fell down yesterday on my back and it kind of hurts," Kenma lied. He hadn't fallen down or anything. He just needed a break from everything. He was tired, tired of everything around him. 

"Huh?! Are you sure you're alright? Did you even go to the hospital to have it checked?" Kuroo fired at him, and Kenma stepped away from him and continued walking, not wanting to have to deal with Kuroo reprimanding him. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Kenma whispered. He didn't catch the look the Nekoma captain sent him. That pained, sorrowful look. As if he knew a secret that tore him apart. 

-

There it is, another excuse, Kuroo thought as they both walked to practice. 

Unlike how people normally judged based on his appearance, Kuroo was actually pretty observant, especially when it came to Kenma. So, naturally, he knew that something was wrong with Kenma. 

The younger seemed even more distant than before, and he had been sitting out of practices even quite a bit, though not enough for his skills to trickle away. Yet, it was enough for Kuroo to get worried because Kenma wasn't some careless idiot. He didn't fall down three times in a month. He just didn't. 

Kuroo pursed his lips, watching Kenma as he walked towards the side of the hall and leaned against it, eyes closed as if in pain. 

Kenma, what's wrong?


	2. Chapter Two

Kenma sighed as he leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes as he tried to keep his features in control. His stomach flexed a little and he winced, the action having caused some of the cuts from last night to hurt. 

He pursed his lips, setting a hand onto his stomach gently. He had cut too much last night, and now he was forced to sit out less his cuts bleed and stain his shirt. It was all he could do to pray that nobody found his frequent sit-outs suspicious. 

He had been overdoing things quite a lot lately, in terms of hurting himself. Although, it wasn't that he could really help himself. He loses control during those moments, and his body was set to autopilot while his mind spiralled endlessly in the dark abyss of self hatred he has grown far too used to. 

He watched with calculating eyes as the rest of the team practiced and just like any other time he had set out, he was stabbed with despair. The team... was functioning fine without him. Maybe even more than fine; perfect. 

The first-year setter that they were training, Yoshida, was fitting himself right with the team. The tosses he sent were excellent and the decisions he made were on par with Kenma's. 

Kenma could feel it. Talent breathing down his neck. Yoshida had potential. Potential that far exceeded Kenma's any day. 

Kenma wondered why he still tried. It was like a vicious cycle for him. 

Sit out, watch Yoshida take his place with ease, work harder so he won't fall behind, sit out once more only to notice that nothing has changed. 

No matter how hard Kenma worked, he just didn't cut it. So... So many times he had just wanted to give up. 

If he gave up volleyball, he wouldn't have to restrain himself when he hurt himself. He wouldn't have to limit himself to the skin that the exposing volleyball outfit covered. Life would just be that much easier. 

Yet, he couldn't. 

Kenma watched as Yoshida threw a toss for Kuroo, the captain slamming it to the other side of the toss with what can only be described as satisfied ease. 

The third-year looked towards Kenma and waved, startling the younger out of his thoughts to wave back. The crooked grin Kuroo sent him made his stomach do weird flips, and he groaned. 

He couldn't quit, because he loved Kuroo. He loved Kuroo and that's why he didn't want Kuroo to be disappointed in him. He didn't want to give up the extra hours playing volleyball gave him with Kuroo. 

Of course, he knew the older probably didn't like him back. What were the chances that Kuroo, one of the most sought out guys in the school would be in love with him of all people? Him, plain and boring Kenma. 

Very little. 

Kenma just... knew he wasn't enough. He would never be enough for Kuroo. So he kept his feelings a secret, along with all his other problems so that the older would be able to focus on more important things. 

Besides, Kenma didn't matter. 

-

For someone who looked forward to almost nothing at all, Kenma always looked forward to the walks back with Kuroo. It was just them as it has always been, Kuroo talking about his day while he played his video games. 

It was a comfortable routine that he was used to and liked. 

That's why his heart felt like it was about to crack when Kuroo broke the news. 

"Sorry Kenma, Yoshida asked if I could stay behind and practice our synching. If you don't mind waiting you could stay," Kuroo explained when Kenma had walked up to him and asked about stopping by the apple pie store to get some on the way back. 

Kenma was usually brilliant at hiding his emotions but at that time, even he knew how obvious the tremble in his bottom lip was. He bent his head, biting down hard on it. 

There it was. A break in their normal routine that will be the first of many. 

Kenma shook his head, not trusting his voice as he turned around and made to leave, flinching slightly as a fingers wrapped around his wrist. 

"Kenma, are you alright?" Kuroo asked, and Kenma wanted to scream at him. He wanted to tell Kuroo to stop with that gentle voice because it did things to him that would only lead to heartbreak. He wanted to break down and tell Kuroo everything because he was just so tired but he couldn't. He couldn't and he hated that he felt that he could. 

"I'm fine," Kenma whispered, voice cracking. Before Kuroo could comment on that though, Kenma had forced his hand free and speed-walked out of the hall, ignoring Kuroo's yells of his name. 

Kenma wasn't used to it. The walk back home seemed infinitely longer than it should have been. Maybe it was because the new game he bought failed to amuse him. Maybe it was because there wasn't a tall, sinister looking guy making comments beside him. Maybe it was that for the first time in a long while, he was alone again and he just didn't know how to deal with that. 

It's scary to become so dependable on a person that just one walk back without them can make you feel as if they've abandoned you completely. It's scary to become so familiar with someone in your life because they aren't permanent. They are simply there until the next chapter of your life comes and the author decides that enough is enough, it's time for something to take the person away and plunge the protagonist into loneliness. 

He reached home, opening the door with a soft 'I'm back', even though there was no one around to greet him. He was always alone, he couldn't even remember the last time he saw his parents. 

They left on frequent business trips, coming home after a few months and leaving after a few days. Every time Kenma came back to the empty house, something would break inside him. 

Nobody cared. 

Kenma climbed the stairs to his room, not bothering to switch on his light. He sat on his bed, laying down on his side. He laid there for what felt like hours, before looking at his clock and noting how late it was. 

'Kuroo's probably back already', he thought, huffing silently. He wondered if the older would question him about his behaviour tomorrow, and silently prayed that he wouldn't. 

He groaned, because could he have been more obvious. He made it so obvious that something was wrong, and yet he wished that Kuroo wouldn't have noticed? 

"I'm such an idiot," Kenma whispered to himself, fingers reaching under his shirt and digging into the marred skin, hissing as his wounds opened and started to bleed. 

The tears ran silently down his face as he let go, moving to take a shower. 

For today, that little bit of pain was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My second chapter! Thank you for the Kudos >


	3. Chapter 3: Tired

It was a challenge; getting out of bed the next morning. It always was, honestly, so Kenma dealt with it like any other day and forced himself out of bed. 

He got dressed in his clothes, leaving his house without taking anything to eat. He couldn't be sure that Kuroo would still be waiting for him after the act he pulled off yesterday, but in the case he was... He always brought Kenma apple pie. 

Like now. 

"Yo, Kenma," Kuroo greeted, and Kenma nodded slightly as he took the bag from the older's outstretched hand. He smelled it, huffing contentedly before taking a bite. 

They started walking and for the first time in awhile, an awkward silence ensued. Kenma took out his game device in hopes that it would dispel some of the awkwardness in the air, and hopefully throw Kuroo off from asking him questions. 

No such luck. 

"Hey, Kenma?" Kuroo asked, voice taking a hesitant tone that had mentioned averting his eyes for the briefest of moments. 

"Yeah?" He asked, trying to look concentrated on the game he was playing and not like he was having a mini panic attack inside him right at that moment. 

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Kuroo asked, his voice uncharacteristically hesitant. Kenma huffed his cheeks in an attempt to feign indifference. 

"Yeah, you've told me many times," he said. 

"Then why haven't you told me what's wrong with you?" Kuroo asked, voice rising a little. Kenma detected something in his voice. Exasperation? Frustration? And maybe he was imagining it but... Desperation? But for what? With a sigh, he turned his head fully towards Kuroo, forcing himself to look into those sharp and unnerving eyes. 

"Because nothing's wrong."

\- 

Kenma was just barely making it through the the day. Normally, he was able to tune his feelings out during the time he was in his classroom, focusing his attention on his device as his classmates gossiped. 

It just wasn't cutting it today, though. 

Everything set Kenma on edge. A look sent in his direction that may or may not have held disdain, a laugh too loud and so mocking that it may or may not have been meant for him, and a failed test paper that was definitely his. 

The last one was what shocked Kenma the most, though. Math was one of the better -if not the best- subject he was good at. It was his silent pride and glory, the ability to analyse questions and do them quickly while others agonised over it. He was hoping to get a good grade on the paper too. 

Apparently not. 

"I would like to meet you after class, Kozume-Kun," Mr Satoshi said, flashing a worried glance at him before walking away. If Kenma were in a more emotionally stable state, the look that the teacher sent his way would not have affected him as much. 

But oh, Kenma was definitely emotionally unstable. Unable to get rid of the image of the teacher's face in his mind, all he could do was let himself wonder about why he was such a disappointment and thank the heavens that it was the last period. 

-

The talk with Mr Satoshi was as bad (if not worse) than what Kenma expected. The teacher was just absolutely relentless. 

"Kozume-kun, you need to tell someone if something is wrong. Are you sure you are alright?" Mr Satoshi asked for the nth time. Kenma restrained himself from rolling his eyes because despite the teacher's annoying persistence, he was still the teacher that taught the subject he was good at. In Kenma's book, it made him deserving of respect. 

"I'm really alright, Mr Satoshi. I just wasn't having a good day, honest," Kenma tried, almost groaning when he saw that the teacher was still not appeased. 

"Kenma, your paper looked like you didn't even understand what they were asking! It's not normal-"

"Sorry Mr Satoshi, I really have to leave for training. If you would excuse me," Kenma rushed after taking a look at the clock, bowing quickly and walking out of the class. The teacher had kept him for 30 minutes, and the team was probably done with warm ups by now. Kenma checked his phone and his lips quirked slightly at all the angry emojis Kuroo had sent him, before putting his phone away. He could explain when he reached the gym. 

The walk to the gym took longer than necessary though, mostly because Kenma was just so weighed down from what happened throughout the day. The day had just been... not the best for him. 

He huffs just as he was reaching the gym, thinking that his day couldn't possibly get worse. But oh, how fate loved to mess with Kenma. 

He walked until he was able to look through the windows, peeping in. It was just a simple act, really. He just wanted to see what his team had moved on to while he was held back. 

If he knew what he would be hit with, he would have never looked at all. 

Kurro, spiking a toss so perfect that it could've been set by Karasuno's setter himself. 

Something so perfect, Kenma wouldn't be able to achieve. 

He watched as Kuroo gave Yoshida a high-five, smile on his face so bright and so... in awe. 

The thought made Kenma stop in his tracks, and he felt his beaten heart crack. Just like that, he spun on his heels and ran, far away from the team that seemed content without him there. 

He was just so tired. 

-

Kenma was walking home when he received a phone call from Kuroo, probably to ask him why his texts had gone unanswered. Kenma' legs never stopped, though his head stayed down as he looked at Kuroo's name flashing on his screen. After what seemed like ages, it finally disappeared, leaving Kenma to note that Kuroo had waited the full ring tone timing. 

He watched as Kuroo's name once agin flashed on his screen. He sighed, switching off the device and speed walking home, desperate for a source of relief that was better than his nails through the fabric that separated his stomach from everything else. 

When he finally had his fingers around it, room dark and stuffy, all he could do was let out a shaky breath of relief as he pressed the metal against his skin, dragging it ever so slowly.

He let out a gasp, relishing in the physical pain as the emotional one seemed to dim, an existence of lesser importance than the one associated to the blood running down his torso. 

He squeezed his eyes shut as he cried, not understand how after all this time, he could even have anymore tears left to shed. 

He thought about the people who judged him. He thought about failing at the one subject he had the most hopes for and he thought of the very high possibility of being replaced on the team without a second thought, as if the year plus he had spent playing with them meant nothing at all. 

Kenma muffled a scream in his knees, dragging the blade over his stomach once more. 

He stopped after awhile, merely watching the blood drip down his skin, leaving tracks in its wake. 

He barely glanced up when his window rattled continuously, probably Kuroo throwing rocks to get his attention. He payed them no heed and after awhile, they stopped. 

Kenma chuckled sadly to himself, thinking that for the first time, Kuroo had probably given up on him. 

But he couldn't find it in himself to care. He was just so, so tired.


	4. Chapter 4: Silence

Kenma woke up the next day, curled up in his bed. He shifted a little, breath hitching as he felt the pain in his stomach, seeming to have come from a thousand needles. 

Kenma smiled a little at the thought. The pain he felt now had been done only by the end of one razor, a thousand noodles was a bit of an exaggeration. 

Kenma laid on his back, letting his arm rest on his forehead as he stared up at the ceiling. He should probably get dressed and ready for school. Kuroo was probably-

Kenma clenched his eyes, lower lip caught between his teeth. Kuroo wouldn't be waiting for him. How could he continue to delude himself with such selfish thoughts? Kuroo would probably leave him. He, the person that doesn't reply to their friend's messages or calls. He, who didn't deserve Kuroo as a friend in the first place. 

He used his arms to lift himself off the bed, slowly making his way to his drawer. He stared at his volleyball wear, fingers trembling as he put it on. 

He still has volleyball practice. He was... he was Nekoma's starting setter, and it was mandatory that he showed up for practice. Except that with Yoshida there, he probably wasn't really needed. 

He sighed, putting on his Nekoma jacket either ways and left the house, glad that he had showered the night before with how close he seemed to be cutting it. 

He walked towards where he and Kuroo normally met, keeping his head down to the floor. He didn't even have a game in hand, too out of it to actually focus. 

He had fallen asleep right after showering the night before, skipping dinner. Coupled with the fact that he didn't grab anything for breakfast, Kenma wasn't fairing too well. 

He closed his eyes slightly as a dizzy spell hit him, though he still forced himself to walk. He was going to practice. He was going to support the team and-.

And then he was falling. He hadn't tripped or anything, his body just seemed to have given up on him. His arms didn't have the energy to move and cushion the fall, so he simply let his eyes close and waited for his body to hit the ground. 

Only, it hit something much softer than cement. Something more warm, secure, and so familiar. So familiar that it had Kenma's eyes widening, before he was gaining newfound energy in his arms to try to push himself out of Kuroo's chest. Kuroo seemed to have other ideas, both his arms coming to wrap around Kenma's body. 

"Hey, stop struggling- ow! Kenma, calm down!" Kuroo urged, grabbing both of Kenma's wrists gently and holding the smaller boy in place easily. Kenma was already panting from the little act, and Kuroo frowned. 

"Are you okay? You didn't answer my messages or calls yesterday, and when I threw stones at your window you didn't answer like you normally do. And now you're-"

"I'm fine," Kenma cut him off, hating how shaky his voice was, "Really, I'm fine." He saw a hurt flash through Kuroo's eyes but dismissed it. Kuroo wouldn't feel hurt over him. He didn't deserve for Kuroo to do so. 

Kuroo let go of Kenma's wrists and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, before thrusting the usual apple pie into Kenma's face. 

"Then, at least eat this! You look like you are going to faint soon," Kuroo said, shaking it in front of Kenma until the younger boy took it, mumbling a 'thanks' before biting into it. They stayed there for a while, waiting for Kenma to finish his apple pie. 

-

Kuroo purses his lips, fists clenched in his jacket pocket as he looked Kenma up and down once more. 

Pale. Kenma has always been pale, but now he looked too pale. His lips lost their colour and the eye bags under his eyes were much worse than normal. 

Kuroo opened his mouth to ask him why he didn't come for practice yesterday, but stopped when he remembered the way Kenma dismissed his concern earlier with the fakes 'I'm fine' Kuroo has ever heard. 

His heart ached as he looked away, frowning slightly. 

The walk to school was quiet, both of them unable to find it in them to start a conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Do leave a comment if you enjoyed it!


	5. Chapter 5: Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst

KUROKEN chapter 5

Kenma breathed deeply as he watched the ball, calculating as he brought his hands up. He looked towards Kuroo, who nodded at him, before he felt the ball in his hand. Time seemed to slow down for Kenma as he let out a breath, fingertips barely touching the ball. 

And then it was over, the ball leaving his grasp towards Kuroo, who spiked it down towards the other side of the court. 

Kenma tsked softly. It wasn't perfect. It was far from perfect. Yes, it had been the normal toss that he normally sent to Kuroo; the toss that he had before yesterday been so sure was the best toss Kuroo could ever receive. But it wasn't. Yoshida's toss was better, much better than Kenma's. 

"That was great, Kenma! Let's do it again," Kuroo said, a devious smirk on his face as he held up his hand. Kenma stared at it for a few moments before nodding his head, bringing his own hand up and slapping it against Kuroo's. 

"Yeah."

-

Watch, Kenma told himself, eyes focused on the ball as his mind was in a whirlwind. He panicked as he lost his concentration, tossing the ball a little too high, Kuroo barely touching it and sending it across the net. 

His team cheered, but he knew that the toss wasn't anywhere near good. Kuroo seemed to think so too, as he rushed to Kenma worriedly. 

"Hey Kenma, you okay?" He asked, and Kenma could only avert his eyes and let out a small sound of affirmation. 

It sounded fake even to his own ears. 

-

It happened a few more times. 

The tosses were either too high or too low, but by some miracle Kuroo was sending all of them across the net, albeit with some difficulty. 

Each time it happened, Kuroo flashed a worried look towards Kenma, who pretended not to notice as he internally cursed at himself. 

What am I doing? He thought as he watched the ball fly around the court. He watched as Yaku received a ball, sending it flying to the other side where Yoshida set the ball for Lev. 

Why do I keep messing up? He wondered, feeling the anxiety creeping up his throat. He tried desperately to push it down. Two more points, he could hold out until his team got two more points and won against the first year team. 

Why does it only happen with Kuroo? He thought, as he sent a perfect toss up for Yamamoto, who spiked with an amazing amount of energy, getting through Lev and Inuoka's block and hitting the floor. Kenma panted, exhausted from the match and all the thoughts going through his head. 

Why can't I just do the toss like Yoshida? He thought desperately as he tried setting the ball to Kuroo once again, watching in devastation as it went too high, too high that not even Kuroo could hit it. 

He stopped thinking altogether when Yaku received the ball, sending it flying back to the other side of the court where it landed, ending the game. 

Nobody made a move though, as all eyes turned to Kenma and Kuroo. Never before have they seen Kuroo miss a toss from Kenma before, and never before have they seen Kenma fumble so many times. 

Relief was brought in the form of Nekomata coach announcing their dismissal, and Kenma rushing for the changing room. 

-

"Hey Kuroo, did you and Kenma get into a fight?" Yaku asks as they changed out of their volleyball clothes, looking at the captain suspiciously. They didn't call him the mother cat for no reason. If he found out that Kuroo dared to hurt Kenma...

"Hey, stop looking at me like that! Nothing happened between us, really!" Kuroo exclaimed, though his thoughts drifted to the day before. Unanswered calls and messages, not coming for practice... 

"I wonder what's wrong, then," Yaku murmured to himself, though Kuroo heard it. Kuroo huffed, sighing. If only Kenma would just trust him and confide in him. 

He looked up, hoping to watch Kenma for anything odd when he noticed that Kenma. Aasn't. There. 

"Hey, did anyone of you see where Kenma went?" He asked worriedly, quickly putting on his jacket. 

"Ah, I saw him leave a few minutes-"

Kuroo hardly let Lev finish before he was full out running, hoping to catch up to Kenma. 

Kenma, please tell me what's wrong. 

-

Kenma walked with his hands in his jacket, nose wrinkling slightly from the smell of sweat. It was a downside to cutting at his stomach, not being able to change in front of his teammates. 

At the thought of his teammates, Kenma found his thoughts drifting towards Kuroo. The way Kuroo had tried so hard, and yet Kenma failed him with every single one of his tosses. The way Kenma's best was just not enough. 

Kenma choked back a sob, bringing a hand up to rub furiously at the streaming tears. He stopped in his walking, shaking his head desperately. He could not break down now. He had to wait until he got home, goddammit. He couldn't break down in the middle of wherever he was. 

He can't have people seeing him like this. 

He hiccuped as the tears wouldn't stop, and he just covered his eyes with the sleeves of his jacket and let the jacket soak up the tears. 

After awhile, he finally got himself to calm down a little. He sniffled, rubbing his eyes once more before he started walking-

"Kenma!" Only to be stopped by a familiar voice. Kenma froze, quickly wiping at his face one last time to make sure the tear tracks were gone before he turned around, just in time to watch Kuroo almost run into him, hand on his knees as he caught his breath. 

"Kuroo," he said, the guilt of all the tosses twisting inside him once more. Kuroo looked up, seeming about to make a witty remark when his features softened. 

"Kenma, you've been crying," he whispered, hand coming up to cup Kenma's face as he looked at his red-rimmed eyes. Kenma pursed his lips and looked away, knowing that lying wouldn't help. 

"Kenma, Kenma please tell me what's wrong," Kuroo pleaded, arms coming up to bring Kenma into a hug. Kenma stiffened, before relaxing. 

"Nothing's-"

"Don't even try to lie to me, Kenma. You've been distant. You've sat out of practice so many times and I know that you aren't clumsy enough to fall down so many times. You look like you're barely eating enough and today at practice... Kenma, let me help you, please."

Kenma smiled softly, nuzzling his face into Kuroo's chest. Kuroo was warm and comfortable. Kuroo was a constant in his life, and that's why he won't burden him with unnecessary baggage. 

"I'm just a little out of it. I will be fine, you don't need to worry."

"Kenma-"

"We should get going." 

The walk back was as awkward as the walk to school, only worse with the thoughts that seemed to weigh the both of them down. 

-

Kenma found himself digging the blades into his stomach once more that night, tears streaming down his face as his phone blinked with messages from Kuroo, pleading for Kenma to let him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter received quite a few comments and it made me really happy ^^ do leave a comment and let me know if you enjoyed the chapter!


	6. Chapter 6: It Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Practice match against Fukurodani
> 
> (A whole bunch of angst and friendships)

As much as Kenma tried, his syncing with Kuroo was just not getting better. In fact, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that he was getting worse, what with the increase in the decrease in the number of tosses Kuroo was hitting. 

Kenma would scream in frustration once he got to the comfort of his home, asking himself why. Why was it only with Kuroo? Why was it with he one person he didn't want to worry? Why was it that he just couldn't do anything right?

It didn't help that Kenma's relationship with Kuroo was slowly crumbling, the steady pillars that held their friendship up slowly disintegrating. Walks to school were silent, the only exchange between them being the passing of apple pie from Kuroo to Kenma. Walks back from school were no longer an everyday occurrence. 

If Kuroo was staying back for extra practice, Kenma no longer sat at the side with his PSP to wait for him. He just... left. The only times they walked back together was when Kuroo would forgo his after practice sessions, which Kenma genuinely felt guilty about. 

How could he be so selfish? He knew that Kuroo was worried about him, thus missing a few sessions. He knew that Kuroo wanted to improve, which would be easier if he trained consistently. He knew this and yet... he wouldn't find it in himself to do anything about it. 

He was just so tired. After every practice his mind would be screaming for him to get out of the gym. Get out of the gym where he made mistake after mistake. Get out of the gym where Kuroo shot him worried, concerned and odd looks. Get out of the gym where he played the sport in which he was so bad at that it hurt him so much. 

Get out, get out, get out. Please, get out of my head. 

-

"Bro!"

"BRO!"

Kenma watched with fond eyes as Kuroo and Bokuto all but rammed into each other, arms thumping each other's backs. 

Kenma kind of wished he was that comfortable around people. Maybe if he was more outgoing, he wouldn't always be surrounded with horrible thoughts in his head. Maybe if he wasn't so withdrawn, the demons wouldn't have made such a nest of his mind. 

"I'm so gonna beat you this time, just you watch!"

"Oho? An owl challenging a cat? I will be winning this time!" 

Kenma let out a sigh. 

The way he and Kuroo was, could they win?

-

Kenma refrained from tossing to Kuroo a lot. He tossed to the others, nodding as they shouted their thanks. He tried to ignore the looks that Kuroo shot him. So full of confusion, worry, hurt.

Kenma hated that expression. 

In the middle of the match, Kenma tsked. Only Kuroo was free. He took a deep breath and prayed that for once, let him synch with Kuroo once again. 

He tossed. Kuroo swung. 

It didn't connect. 

Yaku managed to save the ball, and Yamamoto slammed it across the net. Fukurodani was silent, and Nekoma collectively let out a sigh. 

Fukurodani had never once witness a Kenma and Kuroo quick fail before. Nekoma had seen it one too many. 

"Don't mind!" Lev called out, followed by the rest of the team. Kenma nodded, getting into position when Coach Nekomata called his name. 

"Kenma, switch with Yoshida!" He called. Kenma froze, together with the whole court. 

Kenma, the official setter of Nekoma, was being replaced. 

Faced with an order from his coach, Kenma had no choice but to go towards the bench and take a seat. 

"You weren't looking too well so I pulled you out. Kuroo aside, you tossed well today. Now I want you to take a look at Kuroo and Yoshida and see if you can do it the same way, if your old way no longer works," he said, Patton Kenma encouragingly. Kenma could only nod, tears prickling his eyes. 

See if he could do it the same way? That's what he has been trying to do all along. A bitter taste rose in Kenma's mouth as he watched Yoshida play. 

That was his spot. He was the main setter. He was the one who spent years perfecting his toss to Kuroo. He should be the one standing on the court. 

And then, as Kenma watched Kuroo spike for the first time that day, he came to a realisation. 

Maybe Yoshida was the one; finally standing on the court that he fully deserves to be on. 

-

"Bro, that winning spike was so cool!" Bokuto exclaimed. Kuroo smirked. 

"Of course it was. If you have me matching your playing, even you could become an amazing setter," Kuroo boasted. 

"Oh? Then what was that with Kenma?" Bokuto asked, genuinely concerned. Kuroo sighed, lines on his face making him appear tired. 

"I- I can't synch with him. I don't understand. We used to be perfect together, you know? (At this Bokuto nodded fervently because yes, he definitely knew) All his tosses would leave this amazing feeling on my palm. With him, I could run, jump and swing, without wondering if Kenma could do it because after all these years, Kenma surely could. And then about awhile ago, something changed. It's like he's trying to be somebody else and I don't understand. He's Kenma, my childhood friend and longtime crush, so I don't understand why he's trying to change that!" Kuroo whisper-shouted. Bokuto pursed his lips, not deterred by Kuroo's sudden love confession. 

It was obvious just how much Kuroo loved Kenma. 

"Kuroo, this might just be speculation, but I could see it clearly from my side of the court. Kenma... he's trying to be like Yoshida."

"... what?"

-

Kenma was leaning against the wall of the training camp, eyes trained on the sky. He had failed Kuroo. It hurt to admit, but he really had. The tears were falling from his face before he could stop it, and he let them. He was so, so tired. He was tired of pretending. He was tired of being the emotionless Kenma. He-

When he felt somebody beside him, he glanced up sharply and wiped furiously at his tears. When he saw who it was, he relaxed. 

Akaashi. 

"You okay?" Akaashi asked, and Kenma could see the concern written clearly on his face. 

"Yeah," he said, voice strained from trying to keep it even. He sniffled, wiping at his face as more tears fell. 

"Does this have anything to do with Kuroo? Or... Yoshida?" Akaashi asked. Kenma shook his head. It might have something to do with them, but most of all-

"It's me. I- I can't blame anybody else for this. It's me," he whispered. Having his thoughts finally put into words made him feel vulnerable, but this was Akaashi, his friend. 

"It has something to do with them though, right?" Akaashi asked. Kenma scrunched his face up as more tears fell, bringing both hands up to his face. 

"It hurts, Keiji. It hurts...!" He cried, covering his mouth in a desperate attempt to keep his volume down. He felt arms circle around him, and he let himself cry into Akaashi's shoulder. 

"You're scared of being replaced, and for some reason you're trying to change yourself to be like that first year setter, right?" Keiji asked. Kenma slowly nodded his head, hiccuping and shuddering violently. Keiji pursed his lips, squeezing Kenma tighter. 

"It's alright Kenma, it's alright. Cry it out."

-

"Are you sure, Kozume-kun?" His advisor asked. Kenma nodded, bowing lowly before leaving. 

The advisor of the volleyball team sighed and looked down at the paper in his hand. Such a waste, for someone like Kenma to quit the team. He really was the backbone of Nekoma, after all. 

He was going to have to talk to Kuroo and get him to convince Kenma some way. Coach Nekomata would probably instruct the captain to do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGH COMMENTS I LOVE YOU!
> 
> Do leave a comment and let me know what you thought of the chapter! Hope it wasn't too angsty (beware the next chapter)


	7. Chapter 7: Unspoken Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma breaks. 
> 
> Kuroo too.

Kenma opened his eyes as sunlight filtered through his curtains and shone on his face. He groaned, turning over on his bed and reaching a hand out, intending to grab his pillow and pull it closer to him, but stopped. 

He winced, feeling the fabric of his long sleeves rub against his fresh cuts. He pursed his lips as he remembered what happened. He had given in last night. Given in to the temptation. 

Without being held back by the fear of exposed arms during volleyball practice, he had given in and finally, finally cut his arms. 

He didn't understand why, but it had felt so much better than cutting his stomach. Maybe it was because it was more painful on his wrists, where the flesh was thinner. 

Or maybe it was because he no longer had to hold back in regards of the number of cuts he gave himself. His arms were a blank canvas, and he could paint as much as he wanted. 

Maybe he had relished in the fact that he didn't need to worry about going over previous wounds, which hurt more than he would admit. 

Or maybe he was imagining it. 

Sighing, Kenma glanced up at the window and pursed his lips. 

It had been awhile since he had woken up this late on a school day. He normally had morning practice at this time, but...

He was no longer part of the volleyball team. He had left the day before, without a word to anyone on the team. He had just... left. 

Kenma huffed as he realised that he forgot to return his uniform the day before. He didn't want to run into any of his old teammates, so he would most probably pass it to a teacher if he ever saw him. 

It was only then that he noticed that there was a pounding on the front door, and someone screaming from outside. Kenma frowned, moving his sluggish body off the bed. 

Maybe if he had been more awake, Kenma would've noticed that the voice was a familiar one, and that it was screaming his name. Maybe if Kenma had been more awake, he would have had time to gather his bearings and come up with a reason, or an excuse, to explain himself. 

Maybe if Kenma had been more awake, he could have strengthened the wall around his heart so that it would have hurt less. 

But Kenma was not more awake than he was, so his first reaction at seeing Kuroo on the other side of the door was to try to slam it back into his face. 

Kuroo was much faster than him, though. Without a word, the older boy pushed the door open and invited himself into Kenma's house. 

Kenma didn't know what to do, and the only thing he could do was close the door behind him and stay in his position, nerves threatening to take over. He tried taking deep breaths, reminding himself that this was his childhood friend, Kuroo. 

The guy with constant bedhead hair and a stupid smirk. The guy that sometimes stole his electronic devices just for attention. Kuroo wasn't someone to be afraid of. Kuroo was his best-

"What's the meaning of this," Kuroo asked, turning around with a piece of paper in his hand. Kenma froze when he realised it was the confirmation letter for leaving the club, and shrank away from Kuroo's gaze. 

"I-It's exactly what it looks like," Kenma said, trying and failing to keep his voice steady. He didn't dare glance up when Kuroo made a frustrated sound. 

"Okay, so you are quitting the team. But why? Kenma, what's wrong? You can't just up and leave the team like that, we need you!" Kuroo said, moving forward to grab lightly at Kenma's shoulders. Kenma looked away. 

"Nothing is-"

"Don't give me that bullshit, Kenma. Something is wrong and we both know it's true," Kuroo said harshly, though the finger that tilted Kenma's face to face him was gentle, "What's wrong?"

Kenma pursed his lips, tears threatening to fall as his hands grasped at Kuroo's shirt. He wanted to tell Kuroo. He knew Kuroo could comfort him. He knew Kuroo would help him. He knew Kuroo cared about him but did he deserve it? 

All those missed tosses, all this distance he had put between them... did he really deserve to be weighed down even more by Kenma's self-destructing thoughts? 

Instead of saying anything, Kenma remained silent. He didn't even flinch at the disappointed sigh that Kuroo let out. 

Kuroo was done with him. Kenma had let him down again and again and honestly, the only thing that surprised Kenma was that it had taken so long for Kuroo to-

"It's about Yoshida, isn't it?" Kenma's head snapped up, immediately letting go of Kuroo's shirt as he backed away, eyes widening. H-how did Kuroo know? 

He couldn't possibly know. Kenma was doing such a good job of not showing hostility towards the younger setter. He had done so much just to keep his feelings to himself. Kuroo couldn't possibly know. 

"I'm right, aren't I?" Kuroo asked, eyes soft as he reached forward to grab Kenma's arms and stop him from running away. At the touch, Kenma was filled with a sudden fear. 

He was suddenly hyper aware of the cuts that lay just beneath the fabric of his shirt, the only thing separating Kuroo from finding out. Instinctively, he flinched. 

Kuroo immediately let go, eyes clouding with hurt at the action. He bit his lips uncertainly. 

"Kenma-"

"Please leave," Kenma forced out, voice small and strained. He really, really didn't want Kuroo to leave. But is he were to find out...

"Kenma, you have to tell me what going on! If not, how am I supposed to help you?" Kuroo asked, a touch of impatience to his voice. Kenma caught onto it, and his body reacted defensively. In the worst way possible. 

He glared at Kuroo. 

"Well, maybe I don't need your help! Maybe I'm just sick of the volleyball club- of volleyball in general. Maybe I'm sick of running around with a bunch of sweaty people when I could be playing my new game. Maybe I'm sick of this sport you forced me into. Maybe I'm-"

"You don't mean that," Kuroo whispered, thumb trembling as he wiped away tears that Kenma didn't even know he was crying. Kenma stepped away, rubbing harshly at his face. 

"Okay, maybe I was lying. And maybe I do need your help. Maybe I do enjoy volleyball and maybe I like it. But your help is something I don't want. I don't even get why you're trying to help me. It's not like it would benefit the team. You have Yoshida, don't you?! The perfect setter that I can never be." Kenma choked out, and he could hear Kuroo's sharp intake of breath. 

"Kenma, that's not true. Please, believe me. We need you on the team. We need your tosses, we-"

"You don't need my tosses, though. Aren't my tosses the last thing you need?" Kenma asked, tears falling once more from his eyes. He couldn't stop himself from replaying the missed tosses in his mind, causing more tears to fall. How pathetic of him. 

"Kenma-!"

"Stop! Just- stop with your lies. You don't have to try to make me feel better. I know where I stand on the team, and it's below Yoshida," Kenma cried out, sniffling, "Please leave."

"Ken-"

"Please!" He pleaded, unable to hold back the sobs anymore as he covered his mouth in a futile attempt to keep them down. 

There was a pause where no movement was made, and then Kuroo's footsteps were going away. One step at a time. 

Kenma had to clamp his hand on his mouth even harder as his heart screamed at him to call out to Kuroo, to apologise and tell him everything. 

But he knew better than to let himself do so. 

The click of the front door, and Kenma broke down. 

-

Kuroo fought back tears as he stood outside the door, listening to Kenma's sobs. 

Heart wrenching. They were heart wrenching. 

Slowly, Kuroo fell to his knees, face in his palms as he cried silently, shoulders heaving. 

Why? Why wouldn't Kenma just confide in him? Why wouldn't Kenma just let him help?

Kenma, why are you doing this? 

Kenma, I love you, please don't do this. 

Unspoken thoughts that never reached the boy on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys beware this chapter? ^^ From here it's angst okay. I swear it will have a happy ending but beware the rest of the story. 
> 
> Do leave comments on what you thought about this story><
> 
> Love y'all!:)


	8. Chapter 8: What If...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma wonders...

To Kenma, time was a blur. What had only been a month had felt like a lifetime to him. It made him scoff when he realised just how much Kuroo had wiggled into his life; made him feel utterly pathetic. 

They hadn't talked at all during the month since Kenma left the volleyball team. Kuroo, as captain, was obliged to attend practices, which meant that Kenma walked to and from school alone with only his thoughts as company. These moments were when the thoughts attacked him most, clear to him what he had messed up and lost. 

During the rare times they saw each other in the hallway of the school, Kenma would turn on his heels and run, drowning out the voice that would call out his name. He couldn't stand the desperation that laced it, as if Kenma himself was worth such an emotion from the older boy. 

Stones thrown at the window were ignored, even though they never once stopped. Kenma's phone would constantly blow up with texts asking him he was okay, telling him that he could talk to him and that the older boy would understand; that Kuroo wouldn't judge him. But Kenma knew better. He knew that things changed for people who shared their feelings. 

People acted differently, as if the person were a ticking time bomb that was going to explode at any moment. Kenma knew that if he told Kuroo how he felt, Kuroo would treat him as if he was a delicate piece of glass, and Kenma didn't want that. He knew that things changed to people who told others their feelings, but he really didn't want his relationship with Kuroo to shift even the slightest. 

He loved the way Kuroo teased him, and he can already see Kuroo stopping in fear of hurting Kenma's feelings. He loved the way Kuroo forced him out of the house for a walk around the park, and he can already see Kuroo hesitating, wondering if he was pushing Kenma too much. He loved a lot of the things Kuroo did to and with him, and he didn't want any of that to change. 

Which is pretty ironic, considering that everything has changed. 

-

If there was a new development caused by his leave that Kenma hated, it was definitely this. 

"Kenma-san, you have to come back!" Lev exclaimed, using his huge body to a disadvantage to stop Kenma from escaping. He towered over the second-year, puppy eyes contrasting his huge frame as he pleaded with the smaller boy. 

"Lev, it's been a month already, when are you going to stop?" Kenma huffed, glancing sideways to avoid eye contact. He couldn't make eye contact, not after he had left in such a cowardly manner without a single word to his teammates. He was ashamed. 

"I won't stop until you come back! Kenma-san, the team just isn't the same without you!" Lev insisted, and Kenma sighed at the determined look the tall first year was giving him. 

"Look, the team will fair just fine with Yoshida. It's not like there was much of a difference in our skills," Kenma said, stepping around Lev quickly while he was distracted. Lev' eyes widened when he realised that Kenma was now outside of the room, looking at him from outside. 

"That's not true, Kenma-san! Your tosses are so much easier to hit and hitting Yoshida's tosses don't give me that 'gwah!' effect like the your's. The other members think so too! Yamamoto-san keeps talking about what if you were still around, Kuroo hardly goes for a spike anymore, and-!"

"That's enough," Kenma said, expecting his voice to come out much harsher than it did. He cursed himself in his mind. He was so weak. So, so weak. "You- You don't need to lie. It just makes me feel worse."

"Kenma-san, what do you-"

"Goodbye, Lev."

-

It was impossible to do the math test he had after his meeting with Lev. 

Lev's words swirled around his mind, relentless. They filled his mind, and he tugged desperately at the strands of his hair. He couldn't do this to himself. He couldn't let himself get his hopes up. 

Kenma knew. Kenma knew that and yet... was it so bad if he did? Kenma found some twisted sense of comfort in Lev's words. 

What if they were true? What if the team really did need Kenma? What if he wasn't just a player that could be easily replaced by a first year? What if he truly did matter to the team-

Kenma groaned, ruffling his hair frustratedly. He had to focus, dammit. He couldn't afford to think about such things. 

But what if...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! The last chapter didn't get much of a reaction so it made me think: Oh no. Anyway, here is the next chapter! It may seem like a filler chapter and it might be (oops) but HOLD YOUR HORSES THE DRAMA BEGINS NEXT CHAPTER. There are probably 2 or 3 more chapters left for this story, I hope you will enjoy them :)


	9. Chapter 9: Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANGST ANGST ANGST

He hadn't slept much that night. He had laid in bed for a long time, turning Lev's words around and around in his head. 

He knew it was a bad idea but as he laid on his bed, curtain moving gently above him, he allowed himself to imagine. 

He imagined Lev's words being real, that his tosses were so good that it made Lev feel good just to spike one. He imagined Yamamoto valuing his tosses so much that he would talk about a world where Kenma didn't quit. 

Kuroo... Kenma let himself make up more vibrant scenarios in his head. He imagined Kuroo, hardly going for spikes because they weren't Kenma's. He let himself imagine that Kuroo realised that his tosses were the best for him. He let himself dream that Kuroo was feeling hurt and lonely without him, the exact same way Kenma himself was feeling. 

And then Kenma scoffed, quickly bringing his hands up to his face, using his sleeves to dry the free-flowing tears. They kept falling, and falling, until Kenma was a bundled up mess on his bed, body shaking with every sob that wrecked his body. 

This time, unwillingly, he imagined Kuroo next to him. He imagined Kuroo holding him in his arms and whispering comforting words to him. He imagined Kuroo running his hand through his hair. 

And then he remembered the hurt that Kenma had caused when he had flinched away from him. Kenma remembered all the unanswered texts, the ignored thudding of stone against window and the desperation laced voice that he would run away from. 

And Kenma broke just a bit more. 

-

Kenma didn't want to believe it. He couldn't believe it. His hands shook as he stared at the math paper in his hands - the one he had taken the day before.

A math paper. 

After the horrible night he had, he had hoped his results would provide a form of comfort for him. He had hoped that it would assure him that not everything in his life was as messed up as it seemed. He had- he had studied so, so hard after the last failure-!

The failing grade staring back at him showed nothing of his hard work. 

He scanned through the paper, one careless mistake after the other causing him mark after mark. And then came the final blow: a whole page that he had not done. 

Kenma could vividly remember the - now horrible - sense of contentment when Kenma thought he had finished the paper much earlier than everybody else. He had forgotten to flip the page, and it had cost him. 

He leaned against his seat, furiously blinking back the tears that threatened to humiliate him in front of the class. No, he could do this. He could be strong. 

Even if it was just a pretence. 

-

"Kemma, do you have a minute?" Mr Satoshi asked as the last bell rang, other students rushing out quickly- Kenma included. 

Kenma hesitated. He thought about lying to the him. Tell him that he had plans with friends or something, though it seemed unbelievable, even to him. 

Sighing in defeat, Kenma walked back towards the teacher's table, where Mr Satoshi purposefully waited until all the other students had left. 

"Kenma, you know why I called you to stay, don't you?" He asked, though not unkindly. 

"It's about the recent test," Kenma muttered, and he nodded. 

"Yes. It was just like the previous one. Many careless mistakes and a full page not done. Very unlike you." He said. "Now answer me truthfully: is there something going on?"

Kenma stared at him for a few seconds. He contemplated telling him, about everything. 

His insecurities, the horrible thoughts, the harm he did unto himself- And then he realised that this teacher was too sweet. Her smile was too genuine and her concern even more so. He couldn't burden her with his problems. 

"I was just having another off-day, is all," Kenma replied, and Mr Satoshi sighed exasperatedly. 

"Kenma, you gave the exact same excuse before. Are you sure you are okay?"

"Yes, sir. I'm fine."

Mr Satoshi looked at Kenma for a few moments longer, before dismissing him. 

"Oh, and Kenma? I called your parents about the test because of the school rules. Just to inform you."

Kenma froze, eyes widening and suddenly, he didn't want to leave so badly anymore. Not if it meant that he would be obliged to pick up the phone. 

-

Dread. 

Kenma felt dread as he stared at the phone in his hand; at the name that flashed across the screen. He had just walked out of the school entrance when it started ringing, the special ringtone causing fear to spike. 

He watched as the phone went still, before it started ringing once more. He took a deep breath. He could do this. He could pick up a call from his probably very livid parents, and he would survive it. 

He hoped. 

"Father?" He said hesitantly, hands shaking as he tried to regulate his breathing. He couldn't let his father know that he was scared. It would be another aspect of Kenma that he could make fun of during the call. 

"Kenma. Your mother and I received a call from the school about you failing a math test. A simple test paper. We are deeply disappointed in you," came his father's response, cutting right to the chaste. Kenma winced. 

"Yes, father," he whispered, clutching his school jacket tightly in his free hand. 

"Your mother and I left you alone because we thought that you would be able to look after yourself, like any normal seventeen year old. Looks like we have you too much credit," his father continued on, and Kenma had to take a deep breath to calm himself down and steady his voice. 

"Yes, father."

"Your mother and I are working so hard whilst overseas, and we would really appreciate it if you would buck up and stop burdening us with such calls. They are unpleasant to hear and shameful to the Kozume name. I don't want to receive another phone call again, is that clear?"

"Yes, father."

Kenma heard how his voice wavered, and he knew his father did too. Thankfully, the older man seemed to be busy as he immediately hung up, leaving Kenma to stay in the position he was in: one hand clutching his jacket while the other held the phone to his ear, the beeping sound overwhelming him. 

He stared at the ground, watching as his tears fell onto it at a steady pace. 

And then, he was running. 

He didn't know where he was running. All he knew was that he needed an escape. He needed to escape the painful words ringing in his head, as if they were being shouted over and over again in his head. 

He wasn't really surprised when he ended up outside the volleyball gym, pausing to catch his breath. It was only then that he realised what he was running towards to. In his panicked and hurt state of mind, his mind and heart had immediately sought Kuroo. 

Kuroo, who had warm arms to wrap around Kenma. Kuroo, whose voice was deep and nice to listen to, that could tell Kenma that he wasn't a burden, that he wasn't a failure. 

Kuroo, who Kenma needed so much at the moment. 

With quiet steps, Kenma walked towards a window and peeped inside, remembering the day he had done the exact same thing. 

It was funny in its own way, seeing that Kenma had also failed a math test that day. 

And just like that day, Kenma was slapped in the face by reality. 

Lev slamming a spike and high-fiving Yoshida. Kenma felt his heart drop. He certainly didn't seem unhappy with the tosses. In fact, he looked like he loved it. 

He couldn't tear his eyes away from the match as Yamamoto jumped, spiking a perfect straight and showing a thumbs up to Yoshida. 

Even when his heart was breaking, Kenma forced himself to watch as Kuroo jumped. His form was perfect, and so was the toss. Kenma watched as palm collided with the volleyball, sending the ball straight to the ground and making Yaku, who was playing for the other side, yell. 

Whatever Lev said, they really were lies. 

What Kuroo said about Kenma being the brain and center of Nekoma, lies. 

They were doing perfect without him. Brilliantly smooth in their play. 

And just like that, Kenma's mood dropped even more, and he no longer wanted Kuroo's arms wrapped around him. 

No, he craved something else. 

He wanted for everything to just... end. 

He wanted the pain in his heart to stop. He wanted the tear welling up in his eyes to go away. He wanted to smile and be happy and yet- Such a simple request, but he still couldn't do it. 

-

Kenma stopped by the pharmacist on the way home, clutching the plastic bag tightly the rest of the way back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so late and a little meh but I hope you liked it! (Do leave a comment if you did!) I revised the chapter plot division so now there will be three more chapters left, hang in there!

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic on this platform, hope it's alright!


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